What Is to Give Light
My eyes, my face, have hurt since I was a boy. It is as though they were in a gentle vise, or bathed in mild acid. Mainly it burns. Whenever I stop and pay attention to it, I feel as though I will be consumed. But they say, what is to give light must endure burning.
Today I sat with the feeling during meditation. The pain is always there, but today I met it there, watched it more closely than usual. Soon, it was so big and fierce I felt it would tear apart my head. (“Just stay with it, stay with it….”)
I felt my eyes begin to quiver, wetness at the lower rim. Lights going off all around my head. When I came to, I began hearing the words on this page. Then I noticed the tear running down my cheek, through my beard. The beard of no-boyhood. What is to give light must endure burning.
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Postscript: Some people have been justifiably confused by this entry. I don’t normally write so personally in my blog, and this entry is rather provocative. A close friend (who has known about my eye pain for many years) writes to ask, gently, whether the above description is literally true or if there’s some hyperbole. From my response:
It’s not always as bad as what I described there. This was a particularly bad day, and I was looking right into the center of the pain.
One of the things about long-term chronic pain, at least for me, is that the mind learns to tune it out much of the time. Indeed, is quite eager to do so. But this is dangerous, because I become alienated from my body and start reacting to the pain on an unconscious level.
That’s part of why the meditation is helpful: It brings my consciousness back to what is really going on, and gives me the opportunity to “work on” the pain in a more productive way, through reducing my reactivity, putting me back in touch with my body, etc.
I did modify the entry some, in response to your message. I call it a “gentle” vise and a “mild” acid, which is more accurate. Those kinds of distinctions don’t occur to me when I’m experiencing it, though.
To give you a feel for the intensity: The tear was not one of sadness or other emotion, but rather a direct response to the physical sensation of pain.
Joshua,
Forgive me for being dense, but is this for real? (Your piece sounds poetic, and your blog is new.) If so, I trust you’ve pursued modern diagnostic routes. I keep thinking of the cases of bizarre medical conditions I’ve heard about where dozens of doctors and hospitals were unable to diagnose it, and then some expert someplace was able to discover the cause and treat it. Anyway, this mediation stuff sounds dangerous!
Best wishes,
Kernon
Hi Kernon: Thanks for your concern. Yes, it’s for real. I’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars seeking a diagnosis and cure, but the only thing that helps is meditation (and having a wonderfully supportive wife!). Believe it or not, the meditation really does help. I’ll write more formally about the subject when I get some time. For now, my motivation was principaly to share a potent personal experience. One can make of it whatever one likes. –Joshua