Does Suffering Build Character?
This somewhat-throwaway comment, from a post by Virginia Postrel, caught my eye:
Contrary to what you may have heard, the only sort of character suffering builds is the ability to suffer — a useful ability in a world where suffering is the routine nature of life but not a virtue that makes the world a better place.
I say “somewhat-throwaway” because I don’t think her overall argument stands or falls on this point.
But on this point itself… Do you agree with her? Or do you see ways in which suffering builds character?
Do you feel that suffering has built your own character? Do you know friends or loved ones whose character has been improved somehow through the process of suffering?
Now this is an interesting topic, folks. For anyone with even a slightly spiritual bone in your being, this is a topic rich with significance.
So I guess that kind of gives away my answer. But only partly.
Character is not built by what happens, but by how we respond to what happens. In that sense, suffering builds character, just like wealth builds character – the question is, is it the kind of character we want to live with? Those people with a beautiful character tend to become more beautiful in the face of suffering. Ugly people tend to become even more annoying.
The advantage that suffering has over wealth is that it has far more potential to lead to another maligned concept: “humility.” I like to think of humility or being “humbled” as having an unrealistically positive self-image shown to be inaccurate in light of reality. In *that* sense (and not in the sense of jealous people getting to put you down so they feel better about themselves…), I think humility is a great thing, because reality is where all the really good stuff in life exists. Of course, humility isn’t the only road to increased contact with reality, but if it takes being humbled to get there, thank God for humility!
That said, suffering can make us more humble, which makes our “character” (the consistent self that we act out in the world) more consistent with reality. It can lead us to remember that life is precious and short, and that we have the choice to focus on the good even in the face of challenges. In this case, suffering leads us to “suck it up,” and “carry on, carry on.” If that is the character it builds, then yes, lemons have been made into lemonade, and the character that did that is made more beautiful.
However, if suffering leads us to think that life itself is suffering, if it leads us away from an experience of a fundamentally benevolent universe towards a malevolent one…then the character it builds is one that you hide from at parties and sometimes even cross the street to avoid. A suffering person who does not suck it up, but suffers and complains…that character is ugly. In that case, suffering just sucks.
end soapbox…
Mark Michael Lewis
I wouldn’t say that suffering per se builds character. I would say that individuals build character, by acting courageously and powerfully in the face of challenges.
One of the challenges individuals can face is suffering, but there are many other challenges in life as well.
My experience as a therapist is that no one ever turns within until the suffering is unbearable. So suffering serves the pourpose of motivating the asking of basic questions. It seems nearly all inward journeys start this way.
I’d make a distinction between pain and suffering, suffering being roughly pain plus the avoidance and resistance of pain and thus a compounded thing. (One of my most astonishing discoveries from meditation was that pain, by itself, when isolated, ~doesn’t even hurt~!) So if that’s what suffering is, suffering does beget suffering. The way it builds virtue, I think, is that eventually, if it gets bad enough, it does force you to surrender, to let go and see it for what it is. My difficulty is that I seem to be hanging in purgatory. I can’t crash. I can’t induce it. Can’t hit bottom. Even though I know it’s what I need. I think Mark Waller in his comment is exactly right that we don’t “turn within” until the suffering becomes unbearable.
suffering can be of several kinds
suffering because you deny yourself for something external to yourself (e.g. helping others) is ok within limits.
it is like a contract you make with yourself that ONLY by
informed consent can it work.
it then becomes a personal triumph over selfishness
that then gives you increased self esteem
and gives you the chance to give at a higher level
and so on , keeping us on that edge mentioned by others that is testing but not impossible.
otherwise you get self flagellation which is to reinforce your low self esteem and THAT is not good! I call it the Salvation Army syndrome- from my contact as a doctor in the emergency ward- so many peple help others to avoid feeling bad about themselves BECAUSE they know they are not dealing with their personal demons.It is an avoidance strategy.
I am qoing to keep this simple. I lost my father to suicide. My daughter was killed in an automobilie accident. Her boyfriend was killed and one of my other daugters suffered citicial injuries. My daughter who survived the accident was transfused with the AIDS virus when she was 13 following scoliosis surgery, she had colon cancer at the age of 29 after the birth of her first child. My husband died in my arms while we were iceskaiting on the lake on our property of a massive cerebral aneurysm. My mother dropped dead at the dining room table two months after my daughter’s death. My brother was just diagnosed with multiple myeloma.
I have survived because of my faith in God, by giving back through my profession as a nurse and by starting a branch of The Compassionate Friends, an organization that helps parents learn how to grieve after the death of a child. I also take part in many other charitable activities. I believe I have grown from suffering and like the Phoenix have risen from the ashes.
I read an rather dreary essay recently on the intriguing theme of “purposeful suffering”. The author was a submissive (in the BDSM sense) and a marathon runner, and imho, drew the wrong conclusions. “Purposeful Suffering”, however is an important concept. It is the idea that one accepts to take on something painful, so long as it does not damage ones being in the long term, and so long as one grows from it. Many kinds of athletic training, not to mention the practice of sitting on a cushion for an hour, can be seen as acts of purposeful suffering.
OK, if you want to take it further, there’s a distinction between discomfort (which in the extreme becomes pain) and ‘suffering’. Yes, in a sense, if you allow discomfort to become suffering, you are compounding your misery. One does not run 26.2 miles in order to suffer; one does it in order to find moments of non-suffering amidst the pain.
So yeah, suffering is to be avoided (or at least acknowledged and smiled-at). Purposefully courting, confronting, or accepting discomfort, though, is what most people mean when they say things like “that which does not kill me makes me stronger”.
I partially disagree with Stan’s idea that altruism can be a mask for avoidance. I’d guess that in the cases when this is true, it is not the *only* reason for or the *only* consequence of the behavior. One can be altruistic for reasons of avoidance or low self-esteem, and yet still reap at least some rewards of mudita, building community, and personal growth.
Patricia Hefferon
You would do well to be glad that you are a productive person not give faith and “helping others” the credit here. Just try living on these last two alone and see how far you get. It will also help for you to be reasonable and get your metaphysics in order.
My first reaction is “no”, suffering does not build character.
With more thought I don’t know of anyone who is better for having suffered. I think mourning might be necessary but suffering is not and that both are a matter of choice. I quite frankly have suffered but will not do it ever again, and don’t recommend it.
Bill Cosby chose not to suffer when his son was killed. He mourned I am sure but got back to his life and his work in a reasonable amount of time. I admire him for his not letting suffering enter his life.
And yes, I think the healthier one’s self-esteem is the less likely you will allow yourself to suffer. Look at all the loss the Kennedy family has endured but you don’t catch them suffering.
And needless to say I disagree wholeheartedly with the earlier statement that says suffering is “the routine nature of life.” That says we are doomed to suffer.
In my thinking one can start to suffer and one can stop it if they know it is indeed a choice and you can be in control. One can think of what is best for you and your life.
Hi,
The question is, in what way does suffering ‘build’ your character. It definitely changes the way you live your life.
Take for instance people with permanent pain, which I think is harder to live with than grief. I speak out of experience: my father died when i was a kid (still a mystery, involving an unexpected suicide attempt), and i got arthritis and crohn’s disease. I would say, that I can speak about the death of my father without (too much) grief, but the physical suffering remains.
I think, the way you handle your pain ‘builds’ your character. Many people i know and see with obviously permanent pain – mostly older people with joint problems – act harsh and bitter in their environs. I also have to stop myself doing that in front of my girlfriend and others, from time to time, it is just an involuntary reaction, and not easy to detect, even with training in mindful living.
In so far i also hold the top statement for wrong, that ‘suffering’ trains you in living with your suffering. The kind of people i mentioned normally suffer more than necessary, and it is hard to ‘distract’ them from their secondary suffering – the self-pity. It arises quite naturally and will bother you especially when acting with others. I myself hate this feeling – creating more grief.. – but it is part of the character i have built so far. Always working on it.
and to susan: yes, self-esteem is an ingredient, but may also be a product of a life with hardship.
I was told to write a paper choosing one of three topics. One of which was does suffering make people stronger and builds character? After reading some of you guys story I would have to say I am very intrigue: for one Patricia Hefferan you are a person that makes me believe my decision even more just to see how your faith brought you through a series of tragic encounters is very prevailing to me. I know do believe that suffering makes you stronger and builds character.